One of the worst things I do is criticising myself and feeling like I'm not worthy of any praise. I think this stems from past traumas, my family having favourites, it felt like I always 2nd best to my cousin, she was thought of as perfect, she could do no wrong, skinny, blonde, grown up, tall, has good fashion sense (despite Being in the 80s), could braid her hair, wasnt a nerd, basically the complete opposite of me. Nothing hurt more than being told I was ugly, dumpy, brown haired, short, crap fashion sense, into my speeccy games, anime and taking things apart and putting them together again, I was thought of as strange. This led ot me bring mute from about the age of maybe 5 til 21 on and off, now and again coming out of my shell if people seemed nice, it felt like a safe place to be, like no one could criticise me if I said nothing, it was my safe place, and no one could invade it, a nice thought brick wall that no one would be able to break down, unless I wanted them to. It always seemed to me that It took me so much longer to get the hang of things and everyone else was so much smarter than me, how do they understand things so easily, it seemed like the world was reversed, everything was the wrong way around and I think this may be part due to me being left handed. I don't know about learning difficulties, I was told in the last year of high school they had thought I might have some kind of learning difficulty, but by then it was too late. I feel some justice in that once I do get the hang of something there is no stopping me, but it feels disheartening that everyone else had no trouble knowing how it do things. In primary school, the teachers still use to use corporal punishment on us, usually with a slipper, ruler, or just a hand, the law had changed by the last year of primary, it wasn't allowed anymore, a lot of those teachers wee much older, and they seemed mad when it happened, one of them had a whole drawer under the seating area full of slippers, a very scary incident happened with her, and I never looked at her the same again. I'll explain something that happened first.
One of my uncles was at a family wedding and he was sitting on the stairs, he spied me going to the toilet, this was an uncle that had done bad things to me form when I was about 5-6 months old. He started shouting at me to come give him a hug, I was terrified of him. Whenever I think of this memory I feel like it's happening again, I can smell the beer mats in this hotel where it was happening and the smell of garlic, everything was smelling of garlic, even the ice cream, I was starting to eat less and less and my ribs were sticking out, do my family wouldn't call me fat anymore and maybe I could be pretty like my older cousin. I refused to go to my uncle so he ran to me, grabbed me and lifted me to the stairs. I could feel his hand sliding up my leg, then his fingers were twiddling with the edge of my knickers, I was 7 years old, what the heck did he find attractive About a 7 year old!!! I know I did nothing to turn him on, I've tried to understand why would people want to rape (because that's what it is!) children!!! His fingers were touching my private parts, he was kidding and nibbling my ear, it was foul and I felt this icky disgusting feeling that this was wrong, his breathing was very quick and loud, he grabbed my hand to try and put it on his crotch, I screamed, and I was crying bad shouting for help, I remember his hand over my mouth, I heard a man shouting 'hey what are you doing!' and the distraction was enough for me to rum and escape, I remember falling over several times, that man was my hero for the day, he was one of the waiters, and hexlpked so Much like the police man put of allo allo, I ran out my mum and dad and I was in tears, I couldn't tell them what happened.
I feel like I was dirty and useless and the stink of my uncle would never wash off, he'd permanently made me damaged it felt, I can't describe that feeling properly. I was also being raped by this uncles father, why did they both do this? I was sworn to secrecy not to tell, they'd buy me colouring books, and crayon's and sweets and say that my dad would never come back if I told and if I said it to my mum she wouldn't believe me and it was our little secret and special hugs, those hugs were painful and I remember the only way it would ever end was if I closed my eyes, held my breath as much as possible, and I later learned that it hurts a man to rape a woman, was there some sort of sick thrill for them out of doing it, it's probably best I don't know, I wish for anyone reading this to tell a trusted adult if anything like this is or has happened to you, please, a teacher, a dinner lady, a auntie, uncle whoever, please tell someone xxx
So I think a good mix of those things has made me very self critical of myself. A recent incident would be I'm getting a wig through the NHS due to scarring alopecia, I have a video consultation in a few days, I feel ugly, and scared of this, that the lady is going to be mortified by how I look. My neck is swollen due to hormones, my fave is also rather swollen, no hair and I've always felt dumpy because of my large chest, and I'm 5 ft 6. My partner makes me feel at ease, I've never felt that either anyone before, but I can't help but feel like I'm the ugliest person in the world. He's made me realise a lot of thing's and my life is all the better for him being in my life, he has arrived somewhere in the middle of my life, and he's my soul mate, though I can't help but feel so self critical of myself, no matter how much he tells me I'm not ugly, he puts it differently than that, but I don't feel like I can write that yet, but it's nice that someone feels that way about me, I look at him and I see the most handsome man in the world. I didn't realise I was staring at him not long ago and he felt self. Conscious me doing that, I felt so bad and cried a lot that I'd made him feel like that, it wasn't my intention at all, I explained to him how I felt and I would try not to do it anymore, I went into a panic thinking he was going to kick me out, he didn't say anything for me to think that, it was just. My overthinking that did that to me, I hope to get better at all this, the doctors don't take my neck swelling seriously, my scan on my brain tumour is overdue, and the flashbacks seem to be getting worse, I'm hoping this is a case of things getting bad before they get good, thank goodness I live with someone who is reasonable x
Questions in this section
Part 1. If your self-critical thoughts took on the appearance of an actual person, what would they look like?
Short fat dumpy, ugliest person in the world
2. What would their facial expression be?
Sad, crying, looking down, no confidence
3. Are they physically big or small in comparison to you?
Smaller than me, but wider and fatter
4. What is their tone of voice like?
Really low and slow
5. If you can imagine their body, what is their posture and body like?
Holds themselves with no confidence, shoulders slumped forward, a hump, big fat everywhere, tummy, thighs, arms, candles,
6. What emotions are they directing your way?
The general vibe is Keep away from me, and don't look at me
7. Do they remind you of anyone?
Yeah me!
I truly am my worst critic
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