I miss you so very much. I wish I could of held your hand at that last second. The nurse on the phone said you went very quickly, suddenly and didn't suffer, please know that I was on my way to you as quick as I possibly could to say goodbye, you looked so peaceful when I last saw you, I really mean it when I said I love you and will miss you, despite you being such a cantagonus blummen sod sometimes, I miss your laugh and smile that warmed up the room when you were happy and cheerful. I just wish you'd of told me what was going on, I know it is probably a generation thing, maybe some pride, but I can forgive you, I can't imagine what it must of been like being told there was nothing that could be done to keep the myeloma at bay, you were fighting a cancer that is treatable but not curable, I wish for even a tenth of the strength you had to get your head around that, although I was upset you never told me, I can understand why you didn't as well. I remember coming to visit you, it was pretty much every day, I did want to get you more visitors while you were in hospital, but I know how proud you were and hated the attention, I know you felt people would treat you differently if they knew it was your final days, I knew the myeloma you were fighting was almost like an awful death sentence, and from when you were first diagnosed, and told it could be 5 years, 10, 20, even 40 more years left, it felt very cruel that this disease was going to take you away from me, I don't take any comfort in knowing it wasn't curable, it doesn't matter if it's a disease or a sudden accident when you loose someone, it hurts the same, we had the same birthday, liked lots of the same things, I always called you my twinnie, when I told people what happened that you passed away, a few people said 'well at least you knew what was going to happen' as a coincidence, I don't talk to those people anymore, and I can feel you rolling your eyes at me from here, look... I know you didn't want people to know because you didn't want a fuss but I preferred to tell people you had passed away so if folk saw me, and asked how you were, it might not hurt so much or be a shock to them, people's reactions messed with my head a lot, I am not fond of the way people make it about them, it's human nature but I know you'd understand what I mean.
I hope you liked the songs I chose for your cremation, I remember you singing along to them when they were on the TV, and you used to belt out some welsh bangers, 'guide me oh thou great redeemer' was one of your faves, If there is such a thing that you'd of been able to see it, and you seen me smile when it got to the chorus, the 'bread of heaven' bit, I reckon you'd automatically know why it brought such comfort
1. You'd of been singing along with the naughty rugby lyrics version
2. I liked the way you rolled your R's singing the word bread
3, you'd of called me a funny nick name with one of your made up words, which I know was your own way of telling me you loved and cared about me
4. i swear when you used to sing it when the rugby was on, and you'd stand up with a bitter or lager can in hand that the whole street would of been able to hear it, but wouldn't of complained as they knew you were very proud to be welsh, cymru am byth pop xxx
Thank you for letting me drink your beers as a kid, I learnt to drink in moderation and not be a sneeky git, I knew other kids who weren't allowed to have a sip of beer and grew up sneeking out, and hiding alcohol in their room, I appreciate the way you brought me up, thank you
Do you remember when I came to see you in the hospital ward and you were sat by the window, I came and sat by you, I remember you had a look in your eyes I'd not seen before, some kind of sad realisation that damn near broke my heart, you said
'do you see all the traffic and people going into the hospital netty? They all go in, come out, all day like a never ending cycle. I watched and saw pregnant women going in the maternity ward over there, coming out with prams, looking so happy, I hope they are happy, but a lot don't come out again, it looks like a continuous conveyer belt and I've been sat here watching it this morning '
Then you turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes, you looked like you were about to cry but held back the tears, I'd never seen such sadness in your eyes before, you were always comical, made people feel happy in your presence, but here you were telling me in your own way, you knew you didn't have long, you spoke to me the way you looked at me you were telling me without talking, and we both know that wasn't the first time we communicated like that, we were doing our twinnie thing, but it was the saddest one I remember, I know, I can feel you again rolling your eyes at me, gawd sake!!!
Dad, while I'm writing this, I wanted you to know that I was sorry for not telling you some things, I know that you knew what happened to me as you said to him never to walk up the path ever again, and if he did, you'd break his legs, I knew you were aware of him being dangerous when we were at the garlic wedding, I was inconsolable and crying, but when you seen the look on his face you knew something has happened, that garlic wedding, I swear everything we ate had garlic on it, thankyou for eating it for me, and even the ice cream tasted of it, I liked how you'd come to my rescue with food, when I had pickled onions and there was loose skin on them, you'd take that one off me because the skin was poisonous to children, cheeky sod, but I believed you... and also the rind on the bacon, I knew you were terrified when I wouldn't eat and my bones were all sticking out, I don't know how you talked me around eating the veggies I helped you grow in the garden, you turned me into a right female percy thrower, I remember how you couldn't be angry at me when I picked the pretty flowers off the tomato plants, you managed to be thankful but tell me not to do it ever again, you had a knack for knowing how to talk me around, reverse psychology, you were an expert! you were my hero in a lot of ways, you taught me to be kind to animals, you gave me a passion for art, you could draw Mr men and little missus from memory, I still have the little book you drew them in. You taught me to take into consideration how people could be hurt by actions and words, thank you for teaching me compassion to folk, and also when people are not kind, you taught me how to throw a punch, and win a fight, only as a last resort though, you wanted to bring me up to be a lady, but not one that pulls hair during a fight, thanks for that and especially with being left handed, they never see it coming, I promise you pop I only used my fists when it is necessary.
Thank you for teaching me to appreciate cars and motorbikes, I know you were proud I studied motor vehicle mechanics at college and went on to do ship building as an apprentice, I adore welding and working with metal, and felt good to see you proud of me, even though I only got to do one year of my apprenticeship as the company became insolvent, you were even proud of me when all I could find was work on the tills in the supermarket, a massive career change, but I knew you were proud.
I know as you got older you didn't enjoy birthdays as much, especially as mum was in and out of hospital with her mental health, I knew you always had hope she would get better, that you loved her very much, mum wouldn't help herself and tell the psychiatrist her symptoms and what she could see and hear that we couldn't, it was like something off the TV watching and listening to her wasn't it dad, it was very weird, sometimes it was funny, a lot of the time it was heartbreaking, she would keep us awake crying, shouting and talking to the voices in her head and it was very real to her, but weird to us, oh for those little 15 minutes of peace when she'd fall asleep, I lost count how many times she was sectioned, I knew you never gave up hope that she'd snap out of it and get better, but you were never to feel guilty for anything, please know that dad, she'd scream and shout and it would drive us both around the bend, I understand why you did get angry with her, and it was infuriating how she would act differently to people who didn't see her on a day to day basis, when she started to loose her mobility, it was her schizophrenia making her believe she couldn't walk, I can't begin to imagine what it must of felt like to see your wife deteriorate so quickly, it seemed like one minute our living room was set up like a hospital with lifts to get her in and out of the chair, the next minute she was put in a nursing home at 63 years of age, and then we went to see her in the nursing home, I remember you saying 'it's me, the Welsh man, remember me' and we couldn't understand a word she was saying, her arms and legs were skinny, she looked 90 years old, it was like she had talked herself into being an old lady, she refused to eat, and there was nothing we could of done to save her at any point, please don't ever feel bad for anything, you did all the right things I hope you know that, she had to help herself dad, there was nothing we could of done.
I'd like to think you are both together again, at your happiest and healthiest, in a pub somewhere, enjoying a pint or 3, smiling and laughing, that's how I picture you both, I may write again, but I hope you know that I love you, I miss you and I appreciated everything you did for me, I was very lucky to be your daughter
Lots of love dad, Rwy'n dy garu di xxx
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