'Appy new year you orrible lot, I'm not being a douche to you, it was a pop culture reference I mashed up, I dunno my comedy is wasted here! So, I thought I'd give some update on what's occurring, some Major shifts have happened, and dare I say it, some things seem to be going erm...ok, I honestly don't want to put too many chookas in one basket!
Let's start off with the crap bit, my partner's cat Toki ain't in the best of heath unfortunately. Now, he's had her since she was a kitten before I knew him, when we started to live together, our cats came too, well, mine a bit later as he was still being a companion cat to my dad until he unfortunately passed, and my partner without any hesitation adopted fluffy, and we had our cats living together, they weren't the fondest of each other, but when fluffy got sick (he had a big cancerous lump on his mouth, and his ribs were so pronounced due to him being sick) Toki was constantly by his side, sleeping next to him, the pair of them cuddled up, it was both touching to see and a tinge of sadness, I truly believe Toki missed fluffy when he passed. Over the last Christmas poor Toki can't walk, it's like her back legs have turned to jelly, they just flop around and she can only use her arms to get around. She has what we think are seizures or possibly strokes after finding a video online, we have tried everything we can to keep her comfortable and give her dignity, when fluffy passed, it was my decision what happened and I couldn't let him carry on, his meows sounded like he was in pain, now with Toki, Jon has had her since she was a kitten, so it's his decision what happens, aside from what she has goingeon, her fur looks good, she's not got her ribs sticking out, she's eating and drinking, she does appear to be dazed and confused sometimes, when you think about it, in human years she has reached 84, bless our wee old lady x Toki had to go to the vets when we lived near Liverpool, and it was completely traumatic for her, there's something in her nature where she can be the cutest cat ever or and I mean this with upmost respect to Toki, she can act possessed (amazing band lol sorry....)! I completely understand that my partner doesn't want to put her through the trauma of going the vets again and I completely respect any wishes he has, he's known her longer and he's her dad, he's done everything he can to keep her comfortable so I can't fault that, he has her best interests at heart. Toki will be 18 in march, she's named after Toki wartooth in a cartoon about a band called dethklok, the cartoon is called 'metalocalypse' now on the off chance any fellow metalheads are reading this I highly recommend it, if you are in the UK, it's streaming on the channel 4 service, if you're reading this, you're welcome Brendon small/adult swim haha chirp.
So .. Toki update, what else? Oh Christmas was nice, new year ok, there was about 2 minutes of usual sheer panic, long story but the short version of it is I have PTSD, fireworks are (for want of a better word) a trigger for me, past trauma, all from one night back in 1988, NYE, So much damage done by one person, in one night! A few Hour's later I thought well nothing would change in the world if I didn't exist anymore, but I know my partner would miss me, I know Toki would miss me, it happens every fucking year! What if I wasn't here, I certainly wouldn't have to put up with all this pain every fucking new years eve! Growing up, new year's eve has always been a event of complete disappointment, my mum making it really uncomfortable, crying, shouting and arguing with my dad, but, this year, and the last ten, I've been in the company of a handsome viking, my partner looks after me so well, it hurts him to see me upset, and in NYE, the more I try not to cry, the tears sting my eyes, and I feel like I've completely ruined everything. Part of my PTSD is feeling extremely guilty for things I don't really need to feel guilty for. Over the years I've got better at grounding, that's what I've learnt I have to do, I try my best to feel my feet are on the carpet in our home, not back whenever I w time travelled to, I'm back in 1988 NYE in my head, like I've travelled through time. I can smell and feel the electric blanket, since that night I have a fear of them. I can smell brandy and sweat, the kind of sweat where someone doesn't even clean their arm pits, I fact, all kinds of body odour, it catches in the back of my throat, I close my eyes hoping for the pain to stop, blood everywhere, there's that vile brandy smell, it's accompanied by stale breath, which is hot and dank, like as if there's mushrooms and some other kinds of mould growing on the big liver like tongue.
I need to stop there and take a break.
I think that's the most I've ever talked about it, which feels like an achievement, I've been attending therapy for a while now, i feel like I can tell my therapist anything, I trust her, I'm opening up more, and the only way I'm going to ever get better is to talk. I'm very lucky to Have a husband to be who understands, we found each other, and he's my soulmate, I didn't believe in all that crap but now I do. I do believe I instantly fell In love with him. Our first time we met, as we had a goodbye cuddle he kissed me on the top of my head, I felt that kiss everywhere like a warm feeling, it was going to take a lot to ever trust anyone, but something told me to trust this man, and 10 years later, I still feel like we are in our honeymoon stage, I get tingles whenever I see him, I get a funny feeling in my tummy when he holds my hand, what am I a fucking teenager!!!!
So I met Jon when I was 35, he's honestly the first man I trusted, I seldom talk about ex's but just as some kind of image to paint here's my very short, boring CV of ex's...
I had my 1st kiss with someone who did it for a bet, sounds like something of a shitty romcom doesn't it, oh and get this, he was an absolute tit who looked like Victor krum in a shite club in Chester, I wasn't particularly taken by his looks, I was just flattered at the age of 27 that finally someone wanted to do that, I'd gladly go back in time and let my partner be the 1st, if only eh!
The first boyfriend except that's not really what he was, I'd known him since nursery, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I thought, well I've known him all my life nearly, surely i can trust this one? Turns out that's not the case! I hardly ever seen him, and I lost my virginty to the plonker, I waited 30 years and I should of waited 5 more shouldn't I untill I met my viking, dammit!!!! I regret that. My goodness, I could just tell he wasn't into me, I think knowing more now, I was some in-betweeny thing, and he didn't care, he pretended he did sometimes. The 1st time was horrible, quick, painfull and my mind was back in NYE in 1988, I cried my eyes out after, he thought I was crying because I'd lost my virginty, he had a weird sinister look on his face and one side of his mouth was curled up in a half smile, he pretended to care, but all he seemed bothered about was Having a cigarette and being freaked out by the in his words 'that bloody typical look a virgin does and I knew I was taking your innocence' it sounded almost like he was bragging, but tried to sound regretful, he then gave me money for a taxi and I went home, I pondred that night whether or not my existence on this planet was worth it or not, what if I disappeard, would anyone care?
He'd only ever text if he needed something, I remember our next encounter, I came to his, and he had some windows Instant messenger going on on the screen, in big letters I could see 'i can't wait to suck your cock and put a red ring of lippy around it ' I didn't raise my voice, I didn't get angry, I just said calmly 'sounds like someone fancies you there? ' and I laughed, he didn't even hide it, it was like he wanted me to see it! He called me a psycho and to not accuse him of cheating in his words 'like all fucking women do' and I calmly said 'i didn't say you were cheating ' he quickly stammered that it was his mate pissing around, I didn't catch the screen name, but as he clicked the chat window away, the screen has pictures of what looked like amature photos of boobs, must of been about 5 windows underneath, he'd been busy Before I'd got there, it was actually quite amusing the panic of him closing the windows like he'd forgotten they were there, I'm fully aware red blooed men love looking at bewbs, who doesn't, everyone loves boobs, I worked as a car mechanic, in mech eng and welding since leaving school so used to lad talk and pics of titties everywhere, I think the female form is beautiful, I said again calmly 'I am going to shoot off as it looks like you were already busy ' he shouted and begged me to stay and at that moment his dad walked in, I and known his dad for years and I felt rude storming off so made his old man a cuppa and we had a chat. I left after that making my excuses. That sad excuse for a boyfriend contacted me a few weeks later, I remember texting something like oh I thought I'd not heard from you and had wanted to arrange a meet up again where I go round to his, he probably just wanted sex let's be honest, sex is good with a trusted parter but not from someone who blows hot and cold, it does damage to your mind! The night before I was supposed to meet him, I got Facebook messages off concerned workmates from my previous job. I'd worked in a cinema previously, and was working in a supermarket giving out samples of food drinks and that, trying to influence sales, it was a big boring but I did have a laugh with some of the customers. Texts off old workmates were saying they'd seen my 'bf' going to see a movie with another girl, at first if didn't occur to me to assume he was cheating, I felt a little like my old workmates where trying to shitstir, but here was my thought process.... Aaah don't be so dramatic (meaning my old work pals) boys can have girl mates, it's perfectly normal, and I need to Trust someone I'm kind of in a relationship with, didn't occur to me to think he was cheating, I went to different places with my lovely boy pals with zero romance entering my head, purely platonic, nothing to get all upset or dramatic about, then an even more reasonable thought came into my head, aaah if it was anyone, it was probably his cousin who I actually got on with more, you wouldn't know they were related, she was such a sweetheart And he was a complete sociopath I later found out! I told my old work mates not to be so dramatic, I said I got their concern but not to jump to conclusions, the message I got back off one was 'I wouldn't be so trusting with my fella if he went out with a girl like her behind my back, she was really pretty ' it felt to me like she wanted some drama and i told her to shut up lol
Anyway, the next day, shall I give this bf type thing a nickname? Hot and cold, it suits him! So the next day, hot and cold and his ace cousin met up with me. I told them about the texts I received, and his .cousin didn't look as reasoning or amused as me, she said 'it wasnt me netty, hot and cold??? (name removed I'm writing a book and don't wish to use his name) have you been wingmanning for your mate again for Fuchs sake!!!'auro correct put Fuchs , I like it so much I'm not changing that, and he said 'oh here we go again, I'm the twat!!!!' looking back to me now, that was him owning up right there he was guilty as charged. I had no clue what wingmanning was, I know it's not necessarily cheating, not at all in a lot of cases, if he'd of told me, I'd of been fine with it, trust is key, but the way he handled stuff by instantly shouting and getting angry, just made him instantly guilty! I went home again, the next time I seen him, he invited me around, to apologise he made a meal from scratch and he wanted me to stay the night, I said I wanted to go home after him throwing dead spiders at me, he got angry that I wanted to leave, he gripped my arm, and said I couldn't go, it was painful sex, he wanted anal, which can be lovely with a trusted partner, but when it's forced and not wanted, also being not at all experienced then, it was basically torture and unloving. The key is if your partner says no or doesn't enjoy something respect their wishes, communicate with each other what you do and don't like. I made all the excuses under the sun not to meet him after that, he wanted to meet in town so I let him meet me, and he had a look of guilt on his face.
He asked me if it was wrong for a boy who had a girlfriend to sleep naked next to a girl if a load of people had been on a night out and that was the only two places left, I said it all depends, if it's platonic who cares, he then told me that 'someone he knew had it happen to them, and ended up shagging the girl, though he kept correcting himself from Talking in 1st person to 3rd person, I knew then he was shagging around, and I said for us to cool it off, he tried to Grab my arm in this wee cafe we were sitting in, and I managed to get away. My next encounter with him was amusing, I'd gone to a local pub with some old work mates, they were all dressed up as army men and women, I had come straight from work, and there's hot and cold sat with his arm around a blonde girl, snogging her, he seen me and spat out his drink, I felt nothing more than amusement, he was with his mate who had a bird sat next to him and he had his arm around another girl. The big comedy punch line was about to happen, 2 of my old work mates saying 'omg, that's the girl he was at the cinema with that time, the girl hot and cold was with was shouting 'what's going on who's she?? I said 'well he was supposed to be my boyfriend the past 3 months but I get that wasn't the case ' she said she'd been going out with him for 6 months and I burst out laughing, oh great, that's who I lost my virginty too, charming, I honestly think though in all honesty it doesn't count does it.... Maybe 🤣 my first' boyfriend' and I Instantly went to get checked over the next day at the docs, thankfully I hadn't caught anything nasty, I'd Insisted he used a condom, which he hated, tough titty!!!!! Just to note kids, you can get various other tropical love bugs from having sex even with a condom on, be careful, no diggity no doubt, gotta bag it up though xxx
health updates
Finally they are taking my white blood count and neutrophils levels serious, It only took 4 years!!! hopefully they'll get to the bottom of it, I've been referred to a clinic that is investigating more into suspected chronic fatigue, my pain meds and nerve damage meds changed, which in the process has messed up my anti depressants, I can't take them with my nerve damage meds so there's been a wee mix up! A specialist that didn't want to follow up on tumours found in my throat has had a changed of heart since I complained! I've still not heard off my endocrinologist regarding my benign brain tumour on my pituatry gland, I want it to hurry up for my MRI on it's growth is now overdue, I'm getting pretty bad headaches, and nose bleeds, and an aversion to light, I can't drive whilst I have this bloody thing,
What else is there, therapy going well, got sleep aponea clinic in march too, I'd love to get all this sorted, one of my missions is to stop the stigma of mental health, I hope to see it accepted one day, one of my least favourite things is seeing and hearing about people who don't deserve to be treated any differently that anyone with an ailment, I truly believe that if something is visible, people have all the sympathy in the world, but if it's something they can't see they are dubious, unless you've been there with mental illnesses, you'll not understand, it's dark, black and feels like being stuck in a well with no way out. You've got to help yourself to get better. Only you can do it, and some things can be hard cycles to break. Now at the same time I completely understand how people can be a danger to others as well as themselves, I've seen Nancy in The Craft.... No no all joking aside it's scary , for the person and for their friends and family who can't see, hear, taste or smell what they can, I've been in the firing line when my mum was having episodes I couldn't see that she thought I was a threat, I was only ever trying to help, but I've probs my got some scars on me still where she had a knife or something in her hand or punched or kicked me , I try my best to think 'its not them it's the illness, and it's damn hard to do, to anyone else it looks like pathetic cries for attention but only the person themselves knows what's going on in their head, and the only thing they can do is talk to someone, but if they've been treated badly before, it becomes a vicious cycle of self harm and danger to others, but ... Different people, different circumstances.
Anyway, other things happening, so to reiterate, bloods being checked every 6 months by haematology, due to attend clinic regarding chronic fatigue, sleep aponea clinic in march, hopefully the endocrinologist will be in touch soon with an MRI on how my brain tumour looks, therapy sessions going well I'm starting to open up and heal, I'm also in the process of writing my own book which I hope will help others, ENT about my throat swelling and various benign tumours in my throat, hopefully something will get sorted with better pain meds and be put back on anti depressant, it's only been a few days, not a great mistake for the Dr to make, but there we are, and appointment coming up with gastroenterology, i had trouble with my gallbladder and diverticulitis is affecting me every day, seeing the dermatology team soon, I have frontal fibrosing alopecia, female androgenic pattern baldness, scarring alopecia and Linchin planus pilarus, good news on that one though I'm actually getting a new wig soon, I shave the lot off see with all that going on, feel much better shaving it all off, tank girl style!!!! I think that's everything!!!! That's more then enough to be getting on with, oh well, I remember saying in December, no hospitals or docs in 2025, well that's that one failed, never mind 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks for reading if you got this far, means a lot xxx
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