So again, to start, I write this is the hope it helps others who've been through similar experience, hope it helps!
Since my last appointment with the endocrinologist, I was told to expect a letter, one for me, one for my gp, once my gp got the letter, I could start treatment to shrink the wee tumour. I've waited impatiently for it to arrive, mine has now arrived, but looking on the NHS app, the gp hasn't had if yet, as it's not on the system, I can't see him until it's on there, so here's another load of waiting! I could try and make an appointment but those things are like gold dust, and he can't do much until he has the letter too, which is pretty frustrating, so I've still not yet started treatment. They want to keep an eye on my bloods, and I go back to endocrinologist in January, and later in the year a repeat mri to see hopefully the wee thing has shrunk, fingers crossed!
The last month has been shit in all honesty, I had my 43rd birthday, my partner spoilt me no end, and his dad and step mum too, I feel loved and appreciated by them, like someone cares, only time my family seem to care is when it's too do with death. They don't know about anything going on, unless they read these of course, but otherwise pretty much estranged and no happy birthday our anything, and very few people did say happy birthday via the medium of social media, I didn't even give them the chance with a 'thanks for all the birthday wishes, I had a lovely day' which a lot of people do, it got to midnight, and out of 40 people, maybe 4 had sent birthday wishes, I can forgive time differences but it honestly feels like people don't care and I'd like to know if I've done something wrong, because of all the people who didn't, was a friend I've known since high school who always sends a card through the post, and this was the 1st year she didn't. It hurts that I can see people are looking at my stories on Instagram and Facebook, and that they've been online, but couldn't take 30 seconds to say happy birthday, it also hurts that my old friend couldn't tell me if I've done something wrong, and had kept and followed me online so she could watch what I post, there's something rather sinister about that. I've noticed on Facebook it often asks if you want to see more or less of what people post. I put more as I've added those people as friends, logic to me is if you put see less, you should unfriend them, had it really become that we want to keep an eye on people we don't really like that much? If so what the hell has social media become, if anyone has put see less for me just unfriend me please!
So going back to the reasons I'm feeling crap, I've had another 2 extremely heavy monthlies, there was a gap of one week inbetween them, I've been feeling fainty, had a few moments where I felt like I was going to pass out, feel like I'm going to black out often, and have horrendous hot flushes, if only in that time the endocrinologist would of given me the new Medication at the last appointment I could of avoided another month of this, I've had dark thoughts, though I think my depression and panic attacks and mood swings have somewhat calmed compared to what they where like as I've been on a anti depressant for about 5 or 6 months now, I've had maybe 2 bad flash backs in that time rather than every bloody day, a mix of childhood trauma and stuff that happened with my folks, due to their illnesses. I'm not in anyway wanting sympathy or thinking the world owes me a favour, I hope it doesn't come across that way, I just hope there will be light at the end of the tunnel, I'm more than ready to start this medication, and I'll write about what they are like so it may help someone, the honest truth, but do know, it won't be exactly the same for everyone, just like my experience will be totally different from everyone elses. So I've learnt this month that people change, I thought my high school friend was going to be my friend forever, but I've let her go now, although people spend more time that they care to mention on Facebook, they are probably having a shit while browsing, so the thought of someone wishing me happy birthday while they are giving birth to a bog otter makes me realise it doesn't matter one bit! I don't take my phone into the toilet as its not worth it, since my road traffic accident, the whole process is rather quick, plus I have bowel diseases so just enough time to read 1st sentence on the back of a shampoo bottle, so know this, if I do wish you happy birthday, it's not while I'm sat dropping the kids off at the pool!
Netty x
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