bald as a coot

I wanted to write this that in the hope someone is experiencing similar, that this helps them not feel alone.

It all started on a night out. There was a balcony where people could stand, there was one of my pals stood on that, and she took a photo of us looking down as me and my friend posed for a photo, it was a bit of a smelly nightclub, supposed to be a metal night, but I'll be honest, a lot of what they play wasn't metal, but I was glad to get out with some work mates, and let my hair down, what there was left of it, there's a joke in there somewhere, but I wasn't aware of that until the photo I was posing for would be uploaded online for everyone to see...

Anyway, I have never been the most Confident person about my looks, I've just learnt to accept the way I am i guess, I've had a lot of trauma over the years family wise, certain cousins were given the golden child status and I wasn't as I was not baptised, I was seen as a devil child to my mum's family, I think my mum and dad did the right thing letting me choose my own religion, which happens to be none of them 😂

Anyhow, over the years, I never really understood the whole concept of attraction, given and received, I knew I could be pals with boys, but I didn't understand the whole how does someone actually get a boyfriend, how do other girls know they like someone, how do you get the confidence to flirt, something is wrong with me, I'm broken when it comes to all that, and always thought I was never worthy of having a crush on someone or somebody having one on me, even the word makes me feel like I'm going to gip, well that's the best way I can put it and to lads, I was their big sis and pal, there was one lad who decided he was going to pretend to like like me, this happened in high school, it turned out to be a prank, and just not a nice way to bully someone really, so that made my ugliness levels go up to a higher level!

Anyway, I hope that gives you some idea of how low my self esteem was and nowadays I just accept who i am, I've found someone who accepts me for who I am, and I feel like I've met my soul mate, but enough of the gooey stuff, let's get back to that night in this club

So, I remember I was wearing some dress and I was trying to experiment a bit with my look, I felt very embarrassed clothes wise as my mum would of still had me in care bear jumpers and kid stuff if she had her way, she had this weird thing about me that felt very much like love and sex were bad, and if I dressed a certain way, I was sure to be raped or hurt, or taken advantage of in some way, so that didn't really help either, if she'd of had her way, I'd of been locked in a tower somewhere I'm sure, so I'd got dressed in some toilets in town I looked a state to be honest, but I was glad to escape and get out, It wasn't until my late 20s I started going out, I didn't really have any friends to go out with, until I started working in the Cinema, I'd heard all these horror stories of things that could happen in clubs, and a traumatic childhood so it was weird to get out and the thing I enjoyed was being able to listen to music loud, I wasn't into drinking so much, but I have had silly moments like everyone, of course no one approached me, probably because my wall was up so high and I was glad because I didn't want them to either, now I don't want you  to picture my mum like the one off the Carrie film, the 70s one, she could be a nice lady but she could be horrid and caused a lot of mental damage too, but there we are, what goes on behind closed doors, she wasn't very well and knew how to hide it from people, but she was also a kind and nice lady to people and I'm Glad a lot of people remember that version of her. 

So, let's get back to this photo, I've got my hair down, at this moment in time, I have no idea what the back of my head looks like, no idea it is so thin on top.

I wake up the next morning, looking through the photos on Facebook from the night before, fb is almost like paparazzi for common folk regarding nights out, and there i see the top of my head, I have a fucking comb over, wtf!!! You know someone could of told me nicely, needless to say I'm not friends with any of those people anymore, I looked so ugly, the ugliest I've ever looked in my life, while everyone around me  was pulling, although I didn't have the power or the inclination to, it would of been nice for a least one chap to give me an admiring glance, well there's why, my hair looked tragic!

 I go to look in the mirror, yak! How had I not noticed!!! 😭

So I was about 28 at the time, my periods were about 2 weeks long, I just kept being put on the pill, I went to the doctors in the hope of a solution, for the sake of saying I'm 43 now and it's only yesterday as I'm Writing this that a specialist had seen me about it, had they of helped then, I may of had a full head of hair, or whatever could be rescued then and not be writing this!

The doctors Continually told me there's nothing we can do like as if it wasn't an issue, i continued to ask for something to be done, but they just wanted to give me different contraception to try and regulate my periods, again, not looking at what may be causing that too, for a bit of extra Info there, I was not using the pill as contraception, I was still a virgin in my 30s, just for reference sake there, made a big boo boo loosing that to an old school friend, someone I'd known all my life, but even then that doesn't mean you can trust someone, should of held onto that for a bit longer, my mum and my auntie were horrible about that too, whether it was their religion that made them like that or because they just had it in for me I don't know, but I thought I trusted someone but he turned out to be an asshole, happens to the best of us, your virginity is a precious gift, don't just give it to someone who doesn't deserve it

Anyway, I began to loose more and more hair, clumps falling out, I was even told by one doctor it may be stress and to not think about whatever was stressing me out, not very helpful and I'm sure if any of you reading this have had similar, you'll know that mental health isn't just something you can just cure in an instant!

I was working in a factory wearing hairnets and hated the way I looked with a pony tail in my hair scraped so as to cover up the baldness in the middle, my dad had been diagnosed with a cancer called mutiple myeloma, which was treatable but not curable, I decided I was going to get what was left on my head shaved off and raise money for charity doing so, a wee pal I'd known from primary school was a hairdresser nowadays and he did a good job of shaving my head, we had a laugh together and it was good to see him again too. 

People in worked pitched in as well as folk online and totalled up to nearly £600 and it went to macmillian nurses, if felt like something positive to do with all the negative stuff, my dad said I looked pretty because I was smiling and it felt good as there was nothing of different lengths there, and feeling the breeze on my head was lovely, I was smiling for the 1st time in ages, and I had some wigs to try, which felt nice to style and brush. When my old school mate was shaving my hair, he said there was a coating on it, which was blue and green, it was coming off on the clippers, he recommended some treatments to me, and I tried all sorts of lotions and potions, even trying apple cider vinegar on my head, which just returned out to be an expensive salad dressing really!

As my hair grew back, it had that same pattern to it, I best discribe it as a hairdo like a monk, bald in the middle, party around the edge, no one Invited on the top 

I changed doctors, and she didn't really want to know either, I got sent for a scan on my womb and ovaries, nothing was found, and the same thing again of suspected diabetes or thyroid issues, which over the years always came back as normal, and they'd always leave it at that. 

 I tried more lotions and potions and pills, finding everything i could in chemist's and health shops, over years of experimenting and very costly too, all that would happen was my hair would fall out in clumps, so resorted to getting the lot shaved off, I'd got used to people staring, even some kids would shout 'cancer head' at me which is pretty disgusting, women coming up to me saying to be brave, I am assuming they thought I had cancer but didn't stick around long enough to know, and people would even ask me if I was a lesbian, well i definitely know I'm not attracted to women, I'm comfortable enough to say when I think someone I'd pretty and I like to build women's confidence up as mine has took such a blow over the years and I hate how bitchy women can be to each other, witnessed some vile behaviour over the years, but to assume my sexuality based on my bald head is another thing! Well, I'll quote this and if you know where it is from you are officially cool 'to assume makes an ass out of you and me' 

Now, I've moved to a different county, from Cheshire to Cumbria, the attitude up here is totally different, I seen a locum in my local practice, and she right away seen how much distress my lack of hair was causing and ordered blood tests for me, and they found a higher than usual white cell count, and some other things that were not right, how did other blood tests not pick up on this?!? 

She also noted some symptoms I was having to do with digestive matters and was concerned that I may have something going on there, so I had to send off a poop sample, quite shocking that they found blood in my poop and suspected bowel cancer, and this was happening right before Christmas, there's never any good time to be fast tracked for cancer, but there is something not so festive as  having a camera up your butt with tinsel and decorations around the hospital wishing a merry Christmas, but I can say the gas and air were very nice indeed! 

As I watched the camera on the screen, the specialist noted what looked like holes in my colon, I remember him saying, 'here's what's causing your problems! ' well that was a relief, it turned out to be diverticular disease, no treatment for that but have to have a diet which consists of lots of fruit and veg, glad I could get on with Christmas then, but as January came around, I found a lump in my left breast, not the best start to the new year! The doctors were not concerned at all as there wasn't any other symptoms of breast cancer, but to keep an eye on it, I started to get more dizzynies, fatigue and sickness, so more blood tests were done, the results were coming back with a few things from the last One which were a concern, and I had to have regular bloods done, go forward to June and july, and I'm sent to have a breast examination which thankfully came back all clear, they did a mammogram which turned out normal, that was a relief, concerns are for my pituarity gland, so an mri is booked for August, and then late August I get to talk to an endocrinologist, so will be interesting to find out if my hair loss is linked to that, after all that time, they never helped In the past, I feel like I have been neglected regarding my health and just told that it was all mother nature bring a bitch, I wonder if the past so called experts got their medical qualifications from the back of a cereal box, I don't mean to be horrible as I know nothing about that, but if I've been fobbed off, so have many others as odds go! 

Anyhow, yesterday I seen a dermatologist, a few months ago i had 2 biopsys took from my scalp, and i was diagnosed with female androgenic pattern baldness and scarring alopecia, now if it was the pattern baldness, yesterday I could of started a treatment that has good results at growing hair back, best not to, as its not on the NHS anymore, and also, very expensive and with the diagnoses of scarring alopecia, something which is causing an auto immune disease is getting white blood cells to kill off healthy hair, so eventually, I'll loose all my hair, which is rather gutting as it goes, but the dermatologist has put in vouchers for me to have a wig, and I'll get one new one every year, which is a nice boost of confidence, and at least then, I can be fitted for a proper wig, the current one I've bought myself is a few years old now, I don't think it suits me so much, will be nice to get a decent one. 

So next steps are to find out what this auto immune disease is exactly, a relief that it's the reason I have a higher than should be white blood count, and what exactly is going on with my pituarity gland, I got told yesterday even if they do find out what is causing it not to expect a magic growth of hair, as it's all scarred over it's too late, and to think, when I first found out about it, would it all be different, but in the end, I'm kind of glad my little fb frenemy there uploaded that pic, how long would it of been til I'd known, I suppose it is a similar ballpark to telling someone they have bad breath or stinky Body odour, not an easy thing to tell someone they have thinning hair, especially with a female, but you know what, Google how to tell someone nicely and it's so much nicer than a sneek photo on fb!!!! 

Thanks for reading xxx