no easier

I don't know if it's all this Covid stuff, being in lock down or what, but I'm having the worst nightmares at the moment, and finding the grieving for my parents has intensified, as I type that, tears are stinging my eyes, I just find writing about it is soothing, I'm not after sympathy, it's just me thinking, I mustn't be the only one experiencing this kind of thing. The sleep pattern is all over the place, I have a nightmare and I can't get to sleep again, for fear of having the same dream again. Both my parents were very ill and I was their carer, I have wrote in previous blogs about them so there is more about my caring role and their health in previous blogs, I'll try and explain it in a nutshell. My dad had been sick for a while, he had a fall off some step ladders when he was retired, helping one of his sister's in law to decorate the house, that following morning, he has mutiple strokes, through that, they found he had a blood cancer called myeloma, he had to have dialisys, and due to a few conditions as such, he needed the aid of a wheelchair. My mum's health, mental-wise was never great, she had schizophrenia, it took a long time to get that diagnosed, and she was convinced she was psychic, personally, I'm not into any of the things that she started to believe, when she found out her estranged  father had passed away, (a policeman turned up at the door as her dad had put her as next of kin, I'd never even met her dad, so this was really weird and out of the blue!) and it all seemed to go downhill mentally for mum from then, does this sound like some kind of weird TV show, a lot of people tell me I must be rather strong to of gone through all of this, but my parents health was their matters, just so happened though, when You are their carer, it does become to affect your own health too, and I mean that with zero feeling sorry for myself, I do hope it doesn't come across that way. Anyhow, getting back to when this random grandad person is on the scene, but in a dead way, I get to meet him for the first time, we had to go and identify the body, I think that may of affected mum badly. Her dad used to beat her up, and i mean like the way you see men fighting each other in pubs, and he'd throw ashtrays at her head, it's no wonder she moved out and got a little flat as soon as she could, it was pretty sad to hear he didn't treat any of her other siblings like that, apart from one of her brothers, who would be abused in the same way, quite how he got away with it is shocking, but abusers do sadly, must of been crazy seeing your other siblings being loved and then yourself and your brother being beaten up. So, there was mum, identifying the body of a man who used to knock 7 shades out of you, she was never the same again, I lost my very caring and loving mum, the way I get my head around that is that she died that day and was replaced by a very ill woman who resembled my mum. So, as her mental health got worse, her family had found out of the passing of her dad, and out of the woodwork come these cousins, they were the strangest bunch of people I'd ever met in my life! We were at the wake of mum's father, and my father and me felt like the only sane people in the place, they were talking about black magic, and giving each other psychic readings, dad and me sat there trying not to make eye contact with anyone supping on a few pints, we both did start to drink a lot more from this point, I've not had alcohol in over 10 years now, due to a few health problems, and also due to the fact that the answer is not at the bottom of a pint glass. So, one early morning I remember hearing a van reversing, it was like 4am, and then the sound of irritating voices talking absolute grelocks, it was like all the characters from Alice in wonderland were emptying a removal van with furnature from mums late father's flat, dad and me Were not aware this was going to be happening, and there was no room for all this junk, mum wanted to replace all the furnature we had with her dad's stuff, and her cousins tried to take our furnature and caught a few of them carrying our stuff into the van! I gave them what for, they put it back, damn they were weird, talked about gobbledygook, and talked in riddles, there I was making tea for this Brady bunch, at 5am in the bloody morning, asking if people wanted milk and sugar, a simple yes or no would suffice and how many sugars, nah, they would answer me with stuff that I can only remember as strange, like 'chasing the cubes round the room' and 'milk! *laughs* soldiers swimming in milk' strange eh! I was thinking well whatever they'd took can I have some, then maybe not if I start coming out with tripe like that, was glad to get rid of them, I'd had enough of Hearing about chocolate soldiers and sex and chips and all the other random stuff they were chatting bubbles about, it did my head in these people could drive, complete mad heads, well, next thing you know, my mum starts doing the same, and she was chatting away to herself, like as if she had a hands free on and was yapping to someone who dad and me couldn't see. These damn cousin's plus finding out her dad had passed away seemed to of drove her to insanity, it was around that time she found out her mum who was also estranged has died as well, I'd never met her, but that news had mum crying her eyes out, the more i heard about her mum, the more I thought she should be feeling relief, there was similarities as it goes with my mum and her mum, in that when I was a small baby, my mum thought I'd just start walking and talking automatically, what am I a robo dolly or a toy or something! Anyhow, she was apparently a very cold hearted unloving 'mum', and was also very very Catholic, the guilt was strong with this one, and when mum got more sick mentally, she took on a lot of personas, one was like her mum, I don't think I ever got any hugs from her again, and she made me feel guilty and bad for everything, I Couldn't do anything right, I pretty much wanted to end it but didn't want to leave my dad, I felt the need to protect and support him. Mum had a sister show up out of the blue not long after this, my mum had been sectioned, this is one of the things that happened that makes my stomach churn and my heart break more than anything, so, mum had started to stay up all night chatting to herself, the talking to herself was non stop, it would suddenly turn into crying and shouting out of nowhere, dad or me would try to talk to her to calm her down and it was like we weren't there, I decided to phone her doctor and he Came out to see her, he diagnosed her with psychosis, and got the mental health team to come out that day to access her, she was sectioned that late afternoon, we had to sit in A+E where you sit with people with broken arms, airfix spitfires glued to their nose (sorry random Adrian Mole reference ;D) you get the picture there, and there's my mum shouting and marching around the area, everyone was looking at her, like she was well, mad! It was one of those moments where you want the ground to swallow you up, and it went on for around 2 hours, finally a kind and understanding doctor came to see her and within 5 minutes she was sectioned, it was a relief for dad and me, when we got home, it was so weird how quiet it was, we felt relaxed, it was sweet relief! We went to visit her every day, for the first week or so she was like a zombie, I didnt recognise her, it was like she had aged a lot within a few months, she was in there for a long time, but we were told she would be back to my normal mum soon, she didn't, she became rather nasty that I'd lost her, her 'psychic powers' and that it was all my fault that she had been put in hospital for months, that still hurts, and though the whole damn thing, there was no help or support for how dad and me were feeling, dad and me would take comfort in Lager, and I'd also get though a bottle of jagermeister easily in a night, I feel so disgusted at myself for that, but it got me though 10 hour shifts at work and full time employment. So, durng her 1st of many times bring sectioned (it went into double figures!) one of her sisters gets back in touch, she left her husband back in the 80's, left her children and they basically never wanted to speak to her again, she got married to a guy who beat her up, had a child with him, and over 10 years later we get a phone call out of the blue from her, at first she seems really sweet and nice, and dad tells her mum is in hospital with 'women's troubles', he was an older man from a generation that is like cast iron in the way that he'd of broken his leg and carried on walking like it was nothing, you know the kind of thing I mean? Anyhow, it's not 'women's troubles' it's just that he never understood people could be mentally ill, it didn't exist to him, my Aunty went mad at us both and started to go a bit psycho at us, calling us liars. She seemed very up and Down, one minute she was vety snappy, the next minute she was very sweet and cute, we put that down to being in a abusive relationship, she managed to leave him and she moved out and got a flat for her and her baby boy, I'd go to visit her and helped look after her son sometimes, he was very difficult but kind of cute, he said a lot swear words as his mum liked to watch Roy Chubby Brown, I didn't find that at all adorable or funny, so gave him no attention when he did that, I'd take him down the town and people thought he was my son which was really weird, just taking my cousin out for a stroll! I've never had my own children, but I'm now a great Aunty, and proud of all my nieces and nephews, so was really weird when people thought this little bugger was my son! He was damn naughty, I'd go into a shop and he'd scream the place down, I noticed thst my Aunty would just shout at him to shut it and if he didn't behave she'd take his favourite toys away, that never happened so he never learnt. I decided I'd try and learn him a bit how to behave, so rather than shout at him and be on my phone playing candy crush and vaping which seemed to be the way children were getting disciplined these days, I kneeled at his level and talked calmly and held his hand, he looked at me like 'what the hell are you doing' like this was a very strange thing to do, it shocked him that much that he stopped crying, I asked him calmly 'what's the do then' and he smiled, you know those cheeky dimple smiles, phew! It worked, I Brought him home with groceries in hand and walked in the door back to his mum, she looked shocked and asked why he wasn't kicking off, I told her what happened and she didn't seem to get it, I remember we were down the town and she was shocked when I managed to calm him down and asked me how I did it, I told her you just need to talk with them as they wish to be treated, she started to resent me, so I thought well I won't bother agsin, she must of liked him having temper tantrums, so left it be. More and more she'd be rather vile, horribly sarcastic to me and nasty, when all I'd done is try to help her, she made me feel guilty for mum being sectioned, my dad noticed it and we both said it's like my mum and Aunty had been swapped with evil witches. Not long after, my Aunty started courting some random bloke she had met on a dating phone in on local radio, I don't know if anyone reading this has had this but I got onto it straight away that he was trouble, I took an instant dislke to him, my dad did too, funnily enough turns out we were both right! Mum and my Aunty became inseparable, and it was like my mum had become almost besotted with her, mum would shower her with gifts like perfumes, clothes, jewellery, mum said she was making up for all the years she hadn't seen her, when we were sat in the living room, mum would constantly be on her phone texting her sister, dad and me needn't of existed. More and more the pair of them would be vile to me, no matter what I did I was doing it wrong, and if I did it the way they said, they would tell me I was wrong for doing it that way, I felt like pulling my hair out, and unloved, and bullied, I'd already had enough of bullies growing up so to have my mum do it made me feel worthless, again I don't want sympathy, it's good to get it out and feels like a relief. I wonder that because mum's sister wasn't able to talk to her 3 older children, she was taking it out on me in some way, there's got to be some sort of psychology for the way she was treating me, I also think she was jealous of the bond I had with my parents, no matter what, its a sad way to go about life, life is short and precious, it's sad that someone behaves like that! The worst one my mum kept telling me was that she wished I hadn't been born, mutiple times, she had a great job and career as a lab technician when she met my dad, she fell pregnant with me and married my dad, and now she was telling me I'd ruined her career, and her life in turn and that she wished I never existed, I think that's probably the worst and most horrible thing anyone has ever said to me, I cannot forgive that one. If that makes me a bad person so be it. So, dad and me soon got shoved away and it was all about her sister, so much so, mum made her next of kin, and her sis went along  with her to see the psychologist, her sister convinced her to not take her anti psychotics and mutiple times, my mum ended up being sectioned again. The 2 worst were as follows, firstly, there was the time  mum had gone wandering off, naked down the road, no shoes on, carrying several bath towels, the police found her walking along the motorway, she was claiming that she had been beaten up by my dad she was holding a dead baby she had given birth to that morning, and she said to the police that my dad had murdered me, none of which was true, quite obvious I know with the latter as I'm sat here telling you about it, anyhow, the police had to investigate, so we woke up to banging on the door, and the police shouting through the letterbox, I couldn't make out what they were saying, so I lay there frozen and terrified. Next thing I know, there's loud knocking on my bedroom door, a police officer shouting 'hello Annette, if you are in there can you let us know you are ok?' I didn't know at the time they were expecting me to be in bits and bobs and murdered, but they looked shocked at me answering the door, and there's me looking at them like what the hell is happening! So, it turned out they were expecting to see a 6 year old child, murdered and chopped up, but no they found a 24 year old, wondering what the heck is going on! I could her my dad down stairs and it sounded like he was struggling, I asked both the police men what was happening, they said for me to keep upstairs, I thought f**k it and barged though them, I go to run Down the stairs and there's my dad in handcuffs, his hands behind his back, and a police officer holding his head against the wall, I shouted at them to get him out of the hand cuffs and let him go, as far as the police were concerned, they'd got hold of a cold blooded murderer and woman beater, not a older gent who was sick with cancer and mutiple other complications, I was screaming at them to let him go, they asked me was I Annette, I shouted yes at them, and they looked like they were realising my mum was very sick, on their radios, they were talking to the officers that had my mum in handcuffs, and were both sorting out what exactly was happening, they then got mum in the cop car straight to hospital, must of been a weird thing to drive past that morning on the motorway. So, we were sat in the living room, thank goodness the cuffs were off, and we chatted about mum, and everything that was happening, they couldn't apologise enough, I'm not fond of The police at all, they always seem to take the wrong side with everything I've never been fond of with them, thank goodness when they went! Dad and me talked pretty much all that day about what happened, I never when into work that day, called in sick with a bad tummy, which was 10% true, I threw up from the shock of it all, did enjoy that cuppa too, dad and me hoped this time they would convince mum to take her meds, as it goes with mental 

health, patients have the right to refuse stuff, very different from a broken leg where you have to treat that, but in this case, patients have the right to refuse, must of been someone sued them in my humble, it made for a very frustrating and frightening time for us both, after what happened then, what if either of us ended up getting arrested for something else, what might she be capsble of!?!.

So, the second incident, I think dad was in hospital, so it was just mum and me at home, she relapsed again, I remember coming home from work one time, and getting back, going to me room, and it was Like someone had trashed the place, mum came up the stairs and announced that the police had raided the place looking for drugs, she kept accusing me of using Heroin and coke, I've honestly never touched drugs in my life, apart from weed, which was only a few times, it did nothing for me, and didn't interest me, but I never have and would never take drugs, I used to like a few alcoholic beverages, but drugs, no thanks! I noticed all the posters on my walls had been ripped in half, and ones I had with band members on had slits cut in their eyes, mum pointed at them when she seen that I'd noticed, and she said that the posters were evil and looking at her so she had  in her words 'got rid of the devil in them', she had also smashed some of my treasured owl and bird ornaments, she said they were also evil spirits, it took me a long time to sort that, not what you need after a long shift in work! So, gradually over the span of a week, she ended up doing the shouting, crying 24 hour routine again and I phoned her doctor, he said he would come out to see her the same day as soon as he could. I phoned work and told them exactly what was going on, I didn't find them at all supportive, but was kind of glad to tell them as I expected things to get worse, I am starting to think a similar thought process to driving my car, I think when I am driving, you know that thing when you are having a, nice motor along, and there's some plonker driving infront of you and you give them  an extra bit of space as you don't know what to expect them to do, I apologise, I relate a lot of things to driving as I am  a learner, there's another pisser, because of the lockdowns and covid and that, I had passed my theory but have to redo that again now, but there we are  I went off on a tangent there, I'll get bsck to the story! I just didn't know what she was going to do next, I hope you get what l mean in relation to driving there, I will pass that damn theory test again I swear down!!! 

There was a knock at the door and it was one of the neighbours checking how I was, she was very supportive and was one of mum's friends, but it was good to have someone who supported me and tell me I'd done the right things and wasn't constantly putting me Down, I snook out as mum was finally having a snooze, so went round to the neighbours.

It was nice to be able to have someone that understood, and non judgemental, a lot of people instantly think that because my mother had schizophrenia, that automatically that means I have it too, sure I have serious issues from various events that have happened, but there is that stigma with mental health, and people assuming that was unhelpful and hurt a lot. So, there we are sitting in the garden having a drink, I realise I didn't put my keys in my bag, I suddenly panic if mum is OK, and my friend says to go and check how mum is, I'd been gone a while and dread to think what had happened, but first things first, I noticed several missed calls on my phone, it was work, I felt so embarrassed and scared, mum had rung them up saying there was a bomb there, and that one of her brothers was going to go there and inject me and the staff with a, lethal injection, I have never been so terrified and embarrassed at the same time, I couldn't apologise enough. So I went to open the back door, mum had locked it, i couldn't get in the front door as it was locked, f**k. I went back to my friend, I told her what happened and I rang the doctor again, we had to take a different route this time around, and involve the police, I was dreading how much mum was going to make me feel guilty for this, but needs must. The police had to obtain permission from my dad to Force the back door open he was away working as it was an escape for him to work and he felt well enough to work at that point, he made his way home immediately to be with me, he was driving from London which was miles away. I was told to stay with the neighbour until mum was gone, it was terrifying and still gives me nightmares what happened. So, the police found mum had soiled herself, sitting on the floor outside the bathroom, she had trashed the house and was screaming and crying that her brother was telling her to carry out tasks and was talking to him out loud. Again like someone on a hands free, I was sad to hear she attacked the two female officers that were there, they put her in handcuffs and put her in the back of the police car. And they took her straight to the mental heskth section of our nearest hospital. I didn't see any of it but I heard it all, my friend was giving me a bear hug and squeezing me and trying to cover my ears so I couldn't hear mum's screaming and shouting, the stuff she was coming out with was vile again, she was calling for me and in a threatening way, that it should be me that it was happening to and that she wished I didn't exist, I feel pretty worthless being told that, people try to tell me that it's not her it's a sick woman saying it, but deep down she must of meant it, otherwise where the hell is it coming from, plus those people had nice mums, and had never been told that, it is an unexplainable feeling to be told that by the person who carried you around for 9 months and gave birth to you, there is no reasoning with being told those things, she hated me and another thing she would say when she was ill was that I was a mistake, I could of took being told that I was unplanned, millions of babies are born everyday that were unplanned, but being a mistake made me feel worthless and unloved, but dad upon listening to this informed me he didn't see any of that, he had always wanted a daughter after having 2 sons, and looking back at many photos, can see I was a daddy's girl, I miss him terribly, I don't feel the same about my mum, sure my dad was a right grumpy sod toward the end of his life, but it is understandable when he was relying on me and NHS staff to help him, he wasn't able to just walk down the town or to the pub, we take for granted a lot of things and it puts it into perspective when you see soneone very close suffering, someone who is the reason why you exist, but it reassured me that dad didn't see me as a mistake, he seen me as a but of a pain in the butt sometimes and that, but certainly not a mistake, and that means the world to me. He was very protective of me, so any chap that was visiting me was not treated very friendly, even ones that were just friends, there's a certain look that parents give when you have a guy visit, but that awkward 'mum, dad, this is my FRIEND *Insert friend's name here* the parental units faces seem to show a sort of relief expression, parents are damn annoying every guy is a romantic interest, I've just always been very Comfortable in male company, it always seems to be other people who have a problem, I have lovely photos of male friends I love to look at and remember and there was nowt there romantically for me, I was always like a big sister to my guy mates, I loved that kind of friendship <3

So, going back to mum and dad's illnesses, it was sad and heartbreaking to see the 2 people that were responsible for my existence so sick, and if I had to do it all again and be their carer, I wouldn't hesitate, mum ended up in a care home as I was unable to lift her due to being in a road accident, looking after both of them caused further damage to my already untreated injuries, but I continued despite this and their health came before mine, there was nothing in place to help me, there was stuff I could attend like theatre and lunches which was provided by a charity, but I hate taking ftom charity and being a full time carer meant being there 24/7, my only free time was when dad was having dialisys and it always clashed with everything, only person that understood was my caring boyfriend now fiancé, and he did everything he could to help me, no one had ever fought for me like this before and I'm forever grateful. 

I am haunted by several things now, and I can't sleep with the nightmares I have, first is that I was a mistake and mum wishing I'd not been born, the next one haunts me badly, I feel so horribly guilty and responsible for this terrible event. Just before mum had been diagnosed with womb cancer, she was constantly feeling dizzy and needed an aid to help her get around, I always had to help her get to and from the bathroom, as she was so unsteady and shaky, I had to help her clean up in the toilet too, there was another terrible incident I remember which is the next one I have nightmares about. So, back to this day where she decided she was going to spend the day lying down and I'd got the doctor to come and give her a check over, his advice was pretty rubbish. Basically he didn't  have a clue what was going on, I kind of think it was the mental health interfering with the physical health, the two clashed and there we are, a very mixed up mum who didn't know whether she was coming or going, eventually the doctor and psychiatrist agreed, was I kind of doing there job there, I don't know, but who knew my mum better! So, after bring mithered all that day I was completely fed up and I was sat rocking back and forth on my bed, it seemed to help me get back in control, I had thoughts to end it, or to cut myself but instead it helped to rock back and forth, next thing I heard this loud thump and a scream coming ftom mums bedroom. I ran to investigate what had happened, she had fallen and was clutching her arm, instinct kicked in and immediately rang for an ambulance, now comes the bit where I want to get into a time machine and change what happened. As we are waiting for the ambulance the lady on the phone is talking to me and telling me what to do, she told me to put mum in a more comfortable position, and as I did, she went like a dead weight, she was a nightmare doing this and used to do it a lot, it didn't help one bit ever, well due to my injuries as I tried to get her in the position they told me to on the phone, my back gave way, and i heard the most disgusting clunk of bone I'd heard ever, it had broken my mum's elbow, and there was her arm just hanging down, I wish I'd never listened to them on the phone, dammit, so, I then tried  not to move mum and put pillows under her, I started to do what common sense told me, rather than what this woman was telling me to do with her check list, I think I'll continue to do that should it ever happen again. Mum had a metal joint made to mske her elbow work again, but she had nerve damage in her hand, it was never the same again, it would of been sorted to a certain degree but she wouldn't do her exercises and said they didn't do anything, the physios that  visited the house wrote her off as she would scream at them, I don't blame them really, I'd of done the same in her position. 

Another thing that unsettles me is when I had to call for an ambulance to take her to hospital after she'd fallen in the bathroom, I'd turned my back for 1 minute cleaning the toilet after a whoopsie she had, and as far as I was aware, she was washing her hands, I heard her struggling to get out of the perching stool, usually she'd wait a, little untill I'd finished, she'd got impatient with me, and next thing, she had got herself stuck in a wonky position on the sink, she refused to let me help her, and eventually she ended up lying on the floor, I couldn't lift her and was terrified after the last time of doing much, plus I was struggling with My own disabilities, so out come the ambulance team, they got some inflatable chair device to get her up, and took her to A+ E, I can honestly tell you with no horribleness that it was sweet relief when she was put in a nursing home, sadly she deteriorated rather quickly, she refused any help, choosing to believe the voices in her head, and within a few months, she was gone, I went to visit her with dad and we didn't recognise her, she looked like a 90 odd year old rather than a 64 year old, and she was all skin and bones, that haunts me forever, and thinking of dad holding her hand what must of been going though his head that the woman he loved and married was like she had been replaced with this ill frail lady, I felt so terribly sad for dad, but we both agreed when she Passed away that she never had to listen to all those voices in her head anymore and we were both rather relieved for her to be at peace. Dad's cancer cells had started to come back with avengece, he was stage 4 and it was an incurable cancer, though he never told me what was going on that he knew he didn't have long to live, I wonder what was going on in his head and why he didn't tell me, maybe because I was grieving for mum that he thought he couldn't tell I don't know, or thst he didn't want me to tell his family as he didn't want them to be upset, I'll never know, myeloma is a Bastard and it robbed me of my funny, protective comic of a dad, hopefully they will find a cure. But can be safe in the knowledge that he did a lot towards how the treatments worked on patients and the nurses were fond of him, he passed away 5 months after mum, I often have dreams that dad is still alive and I wake up to go and text him, or he's just there in my dreams, I don't believe in airy fairy stuff like when people say their loved ones are still around, I belive the brain is a very powerful thing and that I think about him a lot and that's why he's there in my dreams, the ones about my mum aren't so nice, and I wake up feeling sad and panicky, as you can imagine her sister was very unsavory with me being mum's carer, and she would say I'm not fit for the job and also, that I'm to blame for mum getting womb cancer, she is a vile evil woman and I'm glad to be rid of her living miles away, her being next door was unnerving, and was fantastic when mum and her fell out, which isn't usually a good thing but thank goodness mum seen what a vile womsn that skeksis was, her sis said upon hearing about my road accident that the car that knocked me didn't do a good enough Job, that's up there with the most horrible things I've been told, proper sweet Talker isn't she! Better late than never mum but thank goodness it happened as she was one nasty git, my dad seen how vile she was too so glad to of had people on my side who witnessed what a cow she was, I take that back, cows are lovely, ill stick to comparing her to a Skeksis ftom the Dark Crystal movie! Anyhow, that's the story, it is mad to be in such a quiet peaceful place now, I'm very wary of people now and keep myself to myself, the moment I pick up on any sort of skeksis like behaviour, I'm on it like a car bonnet, I am enjoying a nice peaceful life with my partner and despite the lockdowns and The Big Sick booting off everywhere, (will it ever f**k off!!) we are happy, I just wish these nightmare would do one, mental health services are a no go at the minute due to several reasons so keeping myself busy crafting, when people ask how I am. I'm like oh fine thsnks hope you are too, I think that's the best way to do it, is that the old British stiffer upper lip or whatever it is called, I don't know! Anyhow, I have put some links below, in the hope they will help at least one person who reads this, it's my way of trying to turn negatives into positives, I want to also note, mum's mental health wasn't all about me, I hope it doesn't come across like that , it used to terrify me at times, but makes me wonder what it was like for her, there's videos on youtube showing schizophrenia from a patients point of view, it makes for unsettling viewing, my heart goes out to anyone who suffers from this, and high praise if they have talked to a mental health team, keep doing so it will help you greatly, it was the one thing my mum refused to do and a big reason why it was like taking one step forward and two steps back all the time, 

Anyhow, love, Netty xxx 

Samaritans 116 123

Mind mental health +44-300-123-3393

Myeloma UK 0800 980 3332

Cancer research 0300 123 1861

P. S. 

Please be aware that they may not  be as quick due to current situations with a global epidemic, I wonder anyone or will be or is reading this in the future, let's hope things are back to normal  then, whatever thst is! 

xXx