Mental health, and things related to that, also being a carer for both parents

So, I have tried to get to sleep tonight but to no avail. They say grieving goes through several stages, and tonight, I feel a tonne of guilt.
Now, this may sound controversial, but please realise this is only my personal opinion so I mean no offence, and apologies if I'm repeating anything in a previous blog, but my mum's family were all Catholics, and guilt was something that was a recurring thing from them right from the word go. Guilt if they didn't go to church, guilt if i didn't visit them, guilt if we did visit them, you just couldn't win! My parents decided not to get me christened, which, in my humble was a kind and considerate decision and one I should make myself. My mum's family didn't feel that way, all my cousin's were Catholics, one was the golden girl who got a completely over the top confirmation gown which was like a wedding dress, she would get lots of presents and spoilt, lots of money as would the rest of the cousins, all apart from me, because to them, I was the child with the black mark on my soul. I believed for years, I had this black mark and would scrub and scrub at my chest so maybe they would start to appreciate me and not treat me like I was the sinner they made me out to be, but still, they would carry on and maybe being left handed didn't help, even my teachers would try to make me right handed, apparently I made the class look untidy and all kinds of remarks, I couldn't help the way I was, this lead to a lot of self hate and didn't do my mental health any good, and the way my mum's family treated her too had a similar effect, when we went to visit them, she was made to feel guilty about the slightest thing, and would always be in buckets of tears, no matter how many times I would say we shouldn't go see them, mum would be made to feel guilty for not going, neither of us could do right for doing wrong it seemed.
My mum's family would also continually tell me that I was the ugliest child, which didn't do much for my self esteem, it's no wonder I haven't introduced my partner or any of his family to them, thankfully I have cut off all ties to them so don't have to have anything to do with them, which is one of the best things that could of happened.
I'm going to go back in time now and explain as much as I can remember, and get to the bottom of why my mum's mental health continued to take such a nose dive. My mum was one of the cleverest people you could ever know, you could give her any postcode in Liverpool and she would be able to tell you exactly where that was, a skill she learnt from working in the GPO in Liverpool, Victoria street, which these days I believe has been turned into a shopping centre. She moved out of her parents home, her mum used to take a great deal of her pay cheque off her, and her father used to beat her up, sometimes using his fists and would beat her black and blue, other times, he would throw heavy ash trays at her, the ones you used to see in pubs which are heavy, almost as much as a brick, why did he do it? All because she was the eldest and it was his form of discipline, not a nice person from what I have heard. She had 2 sisters, who would break all her possessions, and 2 brothers who would call her fat and ugly, so with all that going on, I can hardly blame her for getting her own place, she did the right thing.  I've heard a lot of crazy stories about her childhood, she was, in a lot of ways a very innocent and naive young woman, and when I was a baby, she thought I would naturally walk and speak, it was my dad that taught me how to do most things, along with how to give someone a punch and some funny rugby songs! But going back to my mother's younger years, it seems she was troubled mentally by 2 certain things she told me. One was when she woke all of a sudden one night, sat bolt upright and started singing the magic roundabout theme, while turning like something possessed, them lay back down and went straight to sleep. Another was her youngest sister was playing a 45 single on her record player early one morning, the track was forever and ever by Demis Roussos, and my mum awoke saying she genuinely believed she had entered heaven, and was among a bunch of angels, now these may not be altogether the most weirdest and strange at things a human has ever done, but years after, she still believed she had woken in heaven with the music that was playing in the background, now in my humble, Demis Roussos is tacky and cheesy and not exactly my idea of heaven, sorry to any fans of him reading this, I'm into metal and rock mostly so he's not my cup of tea! The next thing I'm going to tell you is sadly not the most dignified of things anyone has done, so I feel terrible guilt writing about it but it seems as we are talking about mental health, it is relevant and gives a picture of what might of been going on in my mother's mind, I mean no disrespect to her, it's hard to write about and I want to make sure that I'm not writing this to disgrace her at all. My mother was in a deep sleep one night, she was having a dream she was on the beach. She had soiled herself in her sleep, and was putting it all over her body, believing it was Sun cream, she woke up covered in her own faeces, and her bed was soiled also, she was adamant that she had been on a beach in her sleep, that was maybe part of her stubborn streak which only got worse with age, she would never admit when she was in the wrong. As a child, she was very bad tempered and stubborn, I have heard about one Easter, her father was going to the local corner shop, and displayed in the window was a large cardboard fry's cream chocolate, #not spon! she was determined she was going to have it, despite it being cardboard and non edible, she was going to have one that size, does this remind you of a certain character from Charlie and the chocolate factory? Anyway, her father bought her a bar of the chocolate in question, there was no thanks or appreciation, just a tonne of screaming and stamping feet for a 4ft bar of chocolate which even someone with an extreme sweet tooth would probably not be able to eat in one go, so my mum's protest ended in her falling to the ground on her front, which was what continually happened should she not get her way, thankfully for both my parents, I didn't take after her in this way, thought I openly admit I have my flaws as does everyone, I have inherited her emotional side though, which I am truely unthankful for!
As I got older, I don't remember much else she showed which is an example of her mental health, I remember a very kind, and lovely caring mum, who was continually hurt and made to feel like she was worthless by her family which is no way to treat someone to say the least. There was times that she would make me feel unwanted though, she studied science in college and ended up as a laboratory technician in port sunlight, for Unilever, which was going to be a massive career for her, but she fell pregnant with me, she used to tell me I was a mistake and that she could of had a brilliant career if I hadn't been born, no wonder I still continue to feel like I'm worthless, that kind of stuff stays with you no matter how much counselling or whatever support comes along, I get very bad down days and it all comes back, all the times I was told I was a mistake, I had a black mark on my soul and I was ugly, people can say all kind of nice things about it being untrue but it doesn't make it any better, it's stuck on like some kind of adhesive that is there for life.
Whenever anything would happen, like I was successful or unsuccessful in getting jobs, or say dad had been in work that day and when he returned home he would say something like his comb had broke, or he had choked on his sandwich, pretty much anything that would happen, mum would always say, that she had felt that that had happened, stuff that she couldn't of known, every single time, she would say a random time and say oh about half 1 I choked on my sandwich too! It was completely silly but it seemed to become an obsession with her, my dad went into a mad rage one time when he found a home phone bill, she had been opening all the post that came the house so we didn't know how much it was coming to and dad was shocked to see she was ringing horoscope lines, at first he thought it was me ringing my mates at school talking about all the gossip that had happened that day, but I hadn't spent nowhere near as much as mum had! Her obsession with horoscopes got to the point that she would do exactly as they would say, which is a very stupid and dangerous way to live your life. My mum got diagnosed with diabetes so she started to eat lots of salads, she even went on the cabbage soup diet which she enjoyed but my dad and myself suffered from her back end extracting continuous fumes, it seemed to be non stop, living in an industrial town was bad enough but these fumes were eye watering! Nothing seemed to help keep her diabetes under control but she continued to eat sensibly while the gp continued to get to the bottom of it, and ended up giving her an injection to do in her belly called lyxicenitide, which was from America, he seemed very excited about it and it was more experimental than anything, it was an enzyme which he hoped would control it, dad and me hoped it wouldn't have any side effects which would make her backside react violently, sick bags at the ready! I was jubious about it as it was experimental and said if it was me I'd ask for something else, but she went along with it anyway.
In 2000, things seemed to take a turn for the worst, my mum's father had passed away, he had her down as next of kin, the police phoned us and we had to go to Warrington to identify the body, I had never met him so was a stranger to me, I didn't feel very fond of him about what I'd heard, but apparently he treated all mum's brothers and sisters well unlike he had with her, so it sounded like he had used her as an example, not exactly great parenting, but still, we took mum to go see him, the whole thing was very strange. He had died while waiting to see his doctors at the gp practice, and there he was, cold as stone laying in Warrington police station, mum wanted me to go in with her, I'd never seen a dead body before, she kissed him on the head and said goodbye. It affected her badly and she said she didn't know how to feel about burying her abuser. Mum had to sort out all his flat, possessions, bank and pretty much anything you can think of that a human will have in their lifetime, her parents had divorced and she found out her mother had also passed away but as we were not in contact with her side of the family, we didn't know how to find out when or where, this also affected her badly, her mother wasn't exactly a nice mother, she was very curt, catholic and pretty much all she cared about was her hair and her rosary beads and making everyone feel guilty for nothing. Mums cousins came creeping out the woodwork and took all his possessions, and money, mum put on an elaborate funeral for her father in Shrewsbury cathedral, and he had the last post where he was buried in Telford. He was supposed to be buried in a plot in Liverpool as per his wishes but when this weird family that turned up out of nowhere wanted him buried in Telford, they were very strange and crazy looking people, some were drug addicts but all of them believed they were psychics and could cast black and white spells. Dad and me started talking to one of them at the wake who at first appeared to be normal, but she started talking about being a black witch and that if I didn't make her something out of salt clay that she would cast a spell on me, dad and me made our excuses and left them all to their cauldrons!
One of my mum's brothers came back on the scene as he was wanting to get his hands on money and his dad's stuff, we were happy for him to have furniture as whats the point in arguing over someone else's possessions, it's a disgusting human trait when people argue over a deceased persons belongings and is pretty low in my humble so I wasn't prepared to argue over it, my mum on the other hand had an on going grudge with him, and the two of them never got on, I've always thought of him as a strange chap, coming out with utter garbage also believing he is psychic, mum was always eager to beat him, and now this turned into who was the better psychic, mum was never the same after this and was diagnosed with psychosis and bipolar disorder, and was sectioned for 28 days under the mental health act. One of mum's sisters got back in touch, she had got married to a chap who apparently was abusive to her, she said he used to beat her up, knocked her teeth out, and cheated on her continually, she had left her 1st husband and 3 children, and they didn't want to know her and to this day, still don't which made her very bitter and twisted. I remember her as a child and her children got very spoilt, she was an ok aunty, I always thought they were a bit strange compared to my school friends, but when she came back on the scene she was like a different person. Her face was horrific, mostly due to her having no teeth and she had these tiny little eyes which looked dented in, she was like the witch out of snow white, the one that gives snow white the Apple, dad and me couldn't believe how she looked. She didn't believe it was me and expected a 10 year old to be giving her a hug and got upset that I was older and not this little girl anymore, there I was apologising for not being what she expected, even though I can't help getting older, I was nearly 21! Dad tried to explain to her that mum was in hospital with, as he put it, wimmins problems, I didn't know how to explain it as I didn't have a clue what was Wrong with her and hadn't seen this sort of thing before other than in movies, my own mum was shouting out to her brother and other people I couldn't see but she was adamant they were there that she would kill me so that they could leave her alone, didn't sleep for fear that she would kill me in her sleep.
A month later, mum was back home, my relationship completely changed with her, she wasn't my mum any more, and dad and me lived in fear, we should of left but we were told by doctors and psychiatrists that she would be ok and back to normal in no time, that never happened, but because of her illnesses, she was able to act ok, it was very sneeky and she insisted she was a psychic. Allsorts of bad stuff happened over the years, I nearly lost jobs because she would ring up saying that her family were going to come in and kill me and inject me with heroin, and she even had employment herself as social services were wanting her to do that, and she took home everything that was in the safe, believing her brother was in her head and he had stolen it. I got it back safe to the manager and she was back in hospital sectioned once again. The manger was thankfully kind and sympathetic and said there was a job for her when she was well again, which I don't think any other employer would do! Mum and her sister were growing closer, and her sister seemed hellbent on making my life a living hell, accusing me of stealing, prostitution, taking drugs and drinking, I was doing none of these things apart from enjoying a nice chilled and relaxed pint with my mates now and again, I'm not into shots or drinking quickly, I like to take my time, nothing like she was making me out to be but mum seemed to believe every word she said and would lap it up. I went to school with 2 of my cousins and was in touch with them on facebook, they were relatives of her ex husband and they had known her when they were little and met the New and un-improved version of her, and also became aware of what a psycho she was! She even went to the lengths of following one of them around the town centre and then went to visit his mum, telling her that he was up to no good, his mum didn't believe a word of it and told her where to go, if only my own mother would of been the same! But sadly her mental health was in a bad place so seemed to want her around, which I have never been able to understand, toxic people need to be cast aside!
So, we moved into a more suitable home for my dad and it was lovely with a nice garden and spacious back yard, my mums sister said she was very jealous of it and tried to apply for similar ones through the council. She complained that walking was like wading through treacle and that she had a fear of stairs, mum helped her to apply for the empty bungalow next door to us which was way too close to home. She ended up getting it and thought it was her right to just let herself in when ever she wanted. She wasn't happy that I had blocked her on Facebook, she was commenting on my posts and accusing me of anything she could, and sending messages on there blackmailing me, yet she made herself out to be the victim because I'd blocked her, it seemed no matter what I did, I was in the wrong. My dad overheard her being nasty to me in the kitchen, I was putting shopping away and she said I was trying to hurt her because I had a cupboard door open, of course I didn't intend to, but it would of been very tempting to punch her, but I know I would end up in trouble because no matter what I did, I was always the one in the wrong! So, dad told her to get out and leave me alone, at last I had someone who stood up for me, mum was saying for dad not to talk to her sister like that, because she had been through so much but dad said it was no excuse for her to be treating me like that, and he asked me how long it had been going on, I felt relieved that he could see I was right and that I was being bullied, it made mum see some sense and I wish it would of happened sooner! So, mums sis let herself in the back door a couple of hours later, mum had been trying to ring her to get her to apologise to me, and she came Into the living room, shouting above the TV that I had been sending abusive voicemails to her, weird as I didn't even know her number! She put her speakerphone on, and it was a voicemail off my mum saying
 'hi sis can you please leave Netty alone she hasnt done anything wrong'
 and mums sister went on to say
'see, there she is! Guilty as charged, I told you what she's like'
My dad, puzzled asked what the hell she was getting at and she then went on to say that I was up to allsorts of trouble and not to be trusted, my dad, (my hero) told her to get out of the house and never come back, and she never did, she would continue to shout abuse at me over the fence for months, It wasn't long after that I got run over and she was phoning mum now and again telling Her to come live with her next door, but mum said no and they  never spoke again, especially after mum told her I'd been in an accident and injured my back .she said the car should of done a better Job.
I heard since, she has lost both her legs and is in a wheelchair, there may very well be such a thing as karma, I don't think I'd wish anything like that on anyone and it's a horrible thing to loose limbs but it doesn't make me feel one bit sorry for her with all the harm she has caused.
My mum ended up having poor mental health and it affected me badly, I had to help her with toilet hygiene and she would be nice one minute thanking me for helping her, then nasty the next when i couldn't do things fast enough because of my injuries, she would shout and scream and cry and stare at the wall that joins to next door, I said one day was she trying to get her sister to hear her and she cried saying she missed her, I certainly didn't miss her one bit, I said im sorry but I don't get why you can love her so much, I never will understand that one! My mum ended up getting womb cancer, she had to have an operation to have an hysterectomy and it got rid of it so she didn't need chemo, but she did have regular checkups. She started getting dizzy after it a lot and very sick, and started to loose her mobility, she was in and out of hospital, and respite homes and would get some mobility back, but as soon as she got home, she would loose it again, blaming the carpet, and that her brother in her head was stopping her. It was a continuous stress coping with her mental health, especially as I wasn't able to see and hear what she could and insisted was real, but I can't begin to imagine what it was like for her. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she also had shaky hands andher doctor and gp put it down to parkinsonism, it was one of her anti psychotic meds was causing parkinsons like symptoms. She was on a side affect tablet which brought on more psychotic symptoms, so it was like some kind of crazy cycle that was completely out of control. I was starting to think the only way out of this would be to end it all, but that would be selfish and just cause more bother, plus my dad needed me. My mum ended up being put in a home for her own safety, as I'd argued that if both dad and me were out what would happen if she had a fall or there was a fire? Social services then understood and mum agreed it was the right thing to do. Sadly, she developed dementia rather fast and went very thin and looked like a skeleton. They rekon the cancer had come back with a vengeance and the dementia was side effects from all her meds and the diabetes was completely out of control. I felt like I had done my caring role badly, but plenty of doctors and the social worker told me I'd done everything I should, but still, I can't help feeling like a failure. So then it was just me and dad, but thank goodness I had my partner Jon, everyone else had gone, friends, family, no one, no support network. My dad's family live rather far away, not near enough at all, but like me, I took it for granted my dad would be around forever, his cancer came back which had already made his kidneys unable to work and he died a few months after mum, I am still heartbroken I lost them both so close together, I am angry at the dwp as cremations aren't exactly cheap, and being on carers allowance I'm not the most richest person, plus, not being able to work with being disabled meant that not only was I now no longer a carer, I was unable to work, and now left with 2 funerals to pay for, the dwp paid a quarter of each so finding £3000 with no other help is a struggle, then there's universal credit, I was living on £11 a month at one point! I was also still paying off nursing home bills, my mental health has took a nose dive. I've thought about ending it all twice since but came to the conclusion both times it would just cause more trouble if i did and again would be very selfish. I have been diagnosed with several conditions and will be having 3 different types of counselling, still on a waiting list for them at this point. I have had counselling previously as I was sexually abused from the age of 6 months by one uncle, and another relative when I was 7 years old. I could of easily turned into a nasty vile person that mums sister made me out to be but I'm far from it, I'm OK, but if someone treats me wrong they realise I'm not such a walkover. I have had bullying in school, in workplaces but have learnt to stick up for myself and people are shocked when I do because they presume I'm some kind of soft ass, which I'm not anymore!
My advice to anyone going through similar is:
1. Don't be afraid to get rid of toxic people in your life, and the sooner you do it the better!
2. See a doctor if you have any mental health issues, I understand it's hard to and easier said than done, but they don't judge, and when you've talked to someone, it is like a big weight off your shoulders.
3. Make sure you make time for yourself if you are a carer. My one mistake was that I became like a 24 hour maid for my mum, where was the time for me? There's organisations our there that can help, I will put them at the bottom of the page.
4. I lived with my parents in the same house, so it was like I'm living where I'm working which was is bad for mental health, if you are a carer, get your own space because living where you work is a no no.

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